Winning at All Costs

My grandpa used to say "it doesn't matter if you win or lose, it's how you play the game." And I was like, "um, nope.  Winning matters. Otherwise, what is the point of playing?"  

Listen in for an inspiring perspective on winning at all costs, and losing with grace. 

Transcript

Kim Bolourtchi: 0:00

This is Kim Bolourtchi, and you're listening to Boldly Stated. My grandpa used to say, it doesn't matter if you win or lose, it's how you play the game. And I was always like, um, no. What's the point of playing a game if you aren't trying to win? My grandpa was also the person who would say, you win some you lose some, no big deal. To which I would reply quite often, with a snarl, yeah, that's really easy for you to say. You're not the one who just screwed up whatever it was I screwed up or lost whatever it was I lost. Now, I'll be the first to admit I did not appreciate at the time, the cavalier attitude about winning or losing, like, take it or leave it, who cares. But I have come to realize the real benefit of understanding both are viable options. In other words, you are going to win sometimes, and you are going to lose sometimes. We are not defined by the outcome, we are defined by the way we conduct ourselves, both in the pursuit of winning and in the grace of losing, which is why I am so concerned about this "win it all costs" mentality that seems to be gaining increasing popularity in our culture. And if you don't believe me, just take a minute and listen to the news. Listen to our politicians, listen to our leaders talking about losing gracefully being a bad thing. Talk to a handful of kids and get their perspective on losing. You will be shocked to learn that it's probably the worst thing that could ever happen to them in their perspective. And in fact, check in with yourself. Ask yourself, how you feel about losing and how terrified you are to be judged how terrified you are to lose, and where that actually comes from. Now I mentioned my upbringing, because I feel really lucky in hindsight to have grown up with parents and grandparents who gave me the opportunity to fall on my ass a lot of times, and then sat and watched me get back up, because that creates resilience. But I also know that increasingly, parents will tell their kids losing is not an option. I've seen kids whose parents are more competitive in the sports that their kids are playing, then the kids are. And you know, if the kid loses a game, the parent is more upset. And berating the kid saying, you know, losing is not an option. Well, yeah, losing is an option, because in every single game, there's a winner and a loser. And if you think you're always going to be on the winning side, you're delusional because it doesn't happen in the real world. And the real damage of this is that if you believe if you're told that winning is the only option, and you must win at all costs, when you do lose, which you will, because you're human, you will believe that you are a complete failure. And it will be nothing short of completely devastating. So here's an example real world example. A few years ago, my son who has a nonprofit called Smile More Initiative was having a Smile More mentorship camp. And it was this really cool day camp for elementary school kids where he taught them how to use their voices to make a difference. They took a break, and they were playing sharks and minnows. Now Nick, my son, was 14 at the time. And I was sitting kind of just observing and supervising. And Nick won the game because well, he's 14, and he's playing with 10 year olds. So the next thing I know there's a child who is crying his eyes out. And he comes and sits down on the stage in the gym, and he's bawling, just bawling. And at first I thought he got hurt. And I said, Are you are you okay? Have you been hurt is your Did you hit your head? Did you fall? What happened? I didn't see anything happened. He's like, No, no, I know, I'm not hurt. And he's just crying and crying. And this goes on. And I can't get him to talk. And I asked Nick, you know what happened? And he's like, nothing, nothing happened. So this child is crying. I'm almost ready to call his mom because I don't know how to console him. And he finally stops and looks at me and I said, you know, please tell me what happened. He said, I've never lost. And I said, Well, what do you what? Sorry? What do you mean, you've never lost? And he said, I've never lost. I've never lost a game. And he's 10. And I said, You've never lost a game of sharks and minnows? That's, that's okay. You know, everybody loses. Nick's way older than you that just happens. Sometimes we're just, it's okay. He said No, I've NEVER lost a game. And he was serious. This child was devastated. And I was completely heartbroken for him. Now, I will be the first to admit that when my kids were little, I would let them win at little games, because they're little and it just felt really weird to you know, beat your kid at a game. I think we all do that. So I am not judging. But what I'm saying is that, from very young, we, we have this idea that losing is bad. And we instill it in our kids. We absorb it ourselves. And so we live life trying to either avoid losing altogether ourselves, or giving the message to other people. That losing is this terrible, terrible thing. And yet, here's the kicker, as a society, we value resilience. As an employer, I am looking for resilience. In the people I hire, I am looking for somebody who can make a mistake and say, Hey, I made a mistake and not go to the bathroom and cry for an hour, because they made a friggin mistake. I'm looking for somebody who isn't going to quit, because they feel like they have failed completely when they don't know what they're doing after one week at a new job. I'm also looking for someone who's going to do their work with integrity. I don't want a win at all costs person in my business. And frankly, I imagine you don't want either to do business with someone who has that mentality, or to employ someone like that. We say we want people with morals and ethics and standards. But if we are a win at all cost society and losing is never an option, how exactly do you think that's going to happen? Is that lesson coming from a participation trophy that you received from showing up? I don't think so. Resilience is built through adversity, it's built through going through things when they don't go your way and not giving up through understanding that one thing doesn't define you. And that if you lose, you can work harder to do better next time. If you fail, you can get back up and find a different way, that you're not a loser, because you lost. That losing is just as much a part of life as winning. It's how we take the lessons from those experiences and move forward. And if we have this idea as a society that we must win at all costs, and that losing is bad, then we are depriving an entire generation of the freedom to employ integrity and honor to the experience and do gain resilience. And at the same time, we are the generation that is judging them for not having it. And that is not fair. So here's what I suggest. First, we need to stop looking at losing as the worst thing ever. Winning is great. You should go for it. Of course, if you're playing a game, you're going to want to win. And if you lose, you need to learn how to lose gracefully. That's what we need to be teaching not that losing is something to be avoided at all costs, but something that is admittedly disappointing and sometimes even devastating, but often reveals more about your character than winning. One of the best examples of this comes out of the 1988 Seoul Olympics. Canadian sailor Lawrence Lemieux had been chasing gold for over 10 years. And in 1988 he was favored to win. This was his year, he was going to get gold. On the morning of September 24, he set to race and sure enough, he was in first place. But then the unexpected happened. The conditions were very rough that morning and the waves were huge. And as he was racing, he noticed another boat had capsized. The captain was sitting on top of the boat, the overturned boat and one of the crew members was missing. He saw a man floating in the water near the edge of where our rescue team would search. And he also noticed that the boat was moving away from the man faster than he was able to swim as he was trying to catch up to his boat. In that moment, Lemieux decided to drop out of the race, do a complete 180 and go back to rescue the fallen sailor a man named Joseph Chan. Now bringing Chan aboard his own single person vessel in high seas was not without risk. And in fact, Lemieux said he thought that they might capsize once he brought Chan aboard. Still, he navigated over to the capsized boat, and realized that it was without its rudder which made it impossible to write the boat. So let me then went and found the rudder for the Singaporean team and brought it back so they could put their boat upright, at which point he continued the race. Now at this point, he is out of contention for a metal period, there's no chance that he's going to win anything much less gold. He ended up finishing 22nd out of 35 boats. And he has no regrets. Despite the fact that he gave up his dream and literally watched gold slipped out of his fingers. He did not value winning at all costs. He knew that there was something so much more important at stake. And in fact, none of us really remember who won that race that day. What we're still talking about all these years later, is Lawrence Lemieux and his sacrifice. He was awarded a medal by the Olympic Committee that less than 20 competitors have received. And in receiving this award he was told "by your sportsmanship self sacrifice and courage you embody all that is right with the Olympic ideal." Lemieux lost. 22nd out of 35 boats and yet he received the highest award that can be given at the Olympic Games. Second, we need to be honest about the fact that the way y u lose, the way you handle l sing is what makes you a l ser, not the fact that you l st. We see a lot of examples r ght now of people who have not l st gracefully who are willing t lie and cheat and steal and d anything they can possibly do t maintain the idea that they w n, when in fact, they did not. T is kind of behavior is what m kes someone a loser, not the f ct that they lost. Now, it m ght be kind of entertaining to w tch, or maybe it doesn't a fect you that much. Because i's not, you know, impacting y ur life directly. But imagine i that's someone you're doing b siness with, imagine if that's s meone who is a service p ovider for you imagine if t at's someone in your family, i agine if that's someone you l ve. And that's their attitude. T at's the way they go through l fe, when at all costs, lie, c eat, steal, do whatever it t kes to get there. If you're n t okay with that, in your own l fe, you shouldn't be okay with t at anywhere. Last, we really n ed to be honest about the n ture of life, you do win some y u do lose some, that's just t e human experience. Of course, w would rather win. But we can w nt to win and still accept the f ct that there is honor in l sing gracefully, all of our e periences have value. If we c n take lessons from the times w don't do as well as we would l ke and move forward with g eater strength, greater r silience, then that in turn b comes a win. I think back to m grandpa's words. It doesn't m tter if you win or lose. It's h w you play the game. And for t e longest time, it just made n sense to me. But as I reflect o Lawrence Lemieux and his s ory, and all the times where t ings did not go my way, but I l arned something so valuable, t at it made them go better than n xt time. I have to believe t at there's tremendous wisdom i that way of thinking. Now, if a ter all that I've said you're s ill thinking winning at all c sts is really the way it needs t be. I want to challenge you t do one last thing for me. I agine you are Lawrence Lemieux you imagine you see the caps zed boat, but you must win. You ant that personal honor, you ant that national honor, you've een chasing it for 10 years and chances are really g od. Someone's gonna come save t ose two sailors. So you go and you do you win gold. You make it you finish that race and you ar in your glory because you have one what you set out to do you ave won. But one or both of t ose sailors dies, because you di n't stop, and the rescue team di n't get there in time. How does hat gold medal feel around our neck? Winning at all cost is not the answer. And losing ith grace is such an impor ant skill. We have to develop it We have to give ourse ves opportunities, even thoug it doesn't feel good and it's not fun. There is so much mor to life than winning. Thi is Kim Bolourtchi and you've been listening to Boldly S