The Rule that Almost Broke Me

Kim Bolourtchi thought she’d built the perfect version of success—until one moment in the Missouri Supreme Court exposed the rule that had quietly been running her life: Be exactly who they expect you to be… and if you’re anything different than that, hide it. 

In this first episode of Season 6: Get Unruly, Kim shares the real story behind her new book, Strategic Unruliness™—and the moment everything changed. She explores how the rules that once kept us safe eventually start keeping us small, and what it takes to finally break them. 

🎙️ Unruly Move of the Week: Notice one place you’re still being exactly who they expect you to be—and ask yourself what would happen if you showed a little more of the real you. 

💥 Subscribe for new episodes every week, and grab your copy of Strategic Unruliness™ on Amazon to dive deeper into the framework.

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Transcript

Kim Bolourtchi: 0:02

Kim. This is Kim bolourchi, and you're listening to get unruly, short, honest conversations about what it really takes to live and lead with clarity, courage and your whole self. As many of you know, last week, I released my new book strategic unruliness. It's all about how we identify and break the rules that keep us playing small so we can truly live and lead in the biggest way possible and build the life we really want to live. And people have been asking me, Where did this come from? So that's where I want to start this week. Years ago, I was standing in the Missouri Supreme Court about to argue the most important argument of my entire legal career. I had spent years cultivating and curating this very professional image, super buttoned up. I looked the part I played the part, totally polished. Every detail was in place to prove that I belonged there. And then my law partner gets up to introduce me. Now he's my husband, and so it should have been a no brainer. It should have been easy, but that's not what happened. He gets up and he says, this is Kim. She's an amazing attorney. All of that's well and good, and then he adds this one little detail, she's also an incredibly accomplished ballroom dancer. And in that moment, I froze. Now you might not think that's a big deal, but in that instant, he had broken the one rule that had quietly been running in my life, and that rule was be exactly who they expect you to be, and if you're anything different than that, you need to hide it. And that's exactly what I'd been doing. I had been competing as a nationally ranked Latin dancer for years and years, but I was doing it in secret, and in that moment, I was completely exposed. I felt like every ounce of credibility that I had built might evaporate and that my career was probably over. So I got through the argument. I don't even know how. I don't remember what I said, but I did. I sweat through all my clothes. My legs were shaking, and when it was done, I ran to the bathroom before I lost it completely, because where else can you go to completely fall apart? Right? And I'm gripping the sink, staring at my reflection in the mirror in this very contemplative stare like now, what am I going to do, since my life is over and the door opens and in walks one of the Supreme Court justices who had just heard my argument, and she sees me, and I'm thinking she's gonna say like, oh my god, you're so unprofessional. And instead she starts to yell, oh my God, you're in here. I'm so excited, because I'm dying to talk to you. Tell me everything about your dancing. It is the coolest thing in the entire world. I have wanted something for myself, and I want to know where I can take lessons like, tell me it all. And I remember blinking at her in absolute disbelief, thinking, Wait, what is happening right now? Because the thing that I thought would make me less credible, the thing that I thought was a deal breaker for my career, was actually the thing she found most fascinating, the part of me I'd been hiding, like really working hard to hide, was the part of me that completely lit her up. And that moment changed everything. It made me realize that the rules we think keep us safe are often the very things that keep us small. And I started noticing them everywhere, things like, Don't rock the boat, earn it before you ask for it, prove your worth. Be grateful even when you're miserable, tone it down. So they'll take you seriously. These are just a few, but they're quiet and they run really, really deep. And the thing is, they work for a while, right? They get you the stability they get you the respect they get you somebody's definition of success. But eventually they stop protecting you, and they start containing you, and that's where this idea of strategic unruliness was really born. Because truthfully, if it had only been my experience, I don't think I would have written a book. But what I found was it wasn't just me, it's actually a lot of people who are living versions of themselves that are so much smaller than they know is possible. There's so many amazing people out there walking around who know there is more for them, who have this feeling that they're wondering, is this it is? Is this really like all that my life is meant to be? And they feel so guilty about acknowledging that right? Because they're supposed to be grateful, they're supposed to be happy. They have all the things people say they're supposed to want, and they can't imagine actually voicing that they want more. But the reality is, if you want it, it's because it's meant for you, and. And so as I started paying attention to how the rules are limiting us, I realized this is something that affects so so many people, and as we begin to challenge them and break the ones that don't work for us, we open up space for possibility, for things your wildest imagination is yearning to build and create in your life, in your businesses. And I started doing this work with with clients, and watching their results exponentially grow, watching people build things they dreamed of but didn't think they could actually do, because they didn't think it was available to them. And so I wrote the book because I realized so many of us are walking around constricted when everything we want is on the other side of the rules that are keeping us small. And by the way, it's not about breaking everything. This isn't just get unruly and tear it all down. I mean, you might have to tear it all down, but it's unusual that you would have to do that. This is about being really, really strategic, and walking through a process that helps you do that makes it more complicated than if you just, you know, rebelled and burned it to the ground, but it's really where the magic is, because not every rule that you're following is bad. Some of them are helping you, but a lot of them aren't. And so that's what I really love about the idea of strategic unruliness, is that it empowers you to break the rules that are keeping you small while building upon what is still working for you. So I truly believe the next chapter doesn't come from doing more. It just it comes from doing things differently. When I finally stopped trying to be who they expected, everything shifted. My leadership got clearer, my work got braver, and people could finally feel me like not the version I built for approval, but the one that was real, and I'm still working on that. It's an ongoing thing, because this isn't what we're taught to do. So here's your unruly move this week, I want you to notice one place where you're still being exactly who they expect you to be. Maybe it's how you lead, maybe it's how you speak up, maybe it's what you hide. I want you to just notice it and then ask yourself, what would happen? What would happen if I just let a little more of the real me show up this week. That's how it starts, one small, unruly move at a time. Thank you for listening. I'm Kim bolourchi. We're going to be tackling the rules that hold us back every single week. If this resonates, subscribe, pass it on to someone who needs to hear this, and if you want the full foundation and all the strategies behind how you break the rules, grab my new book, strategic unruliness. It's available on Amazon until next week. Friends, stay unruly. You.